I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
