I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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