dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
