is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
