i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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