I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
