Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Randomize
