She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
