The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Michael Bay diarrhea
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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