I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
