He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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