I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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