Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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