ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Randomize
