Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
