Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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