dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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