I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
