i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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