I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
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