She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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