I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
