I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
