I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
