i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Randomize
