I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
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