found out what b.m.t stands for.
what did you think?
bread, meat, tomatoes, but then i realized that could be practically any sub.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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