My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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