the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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