Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
i may or may not be watching the land before time
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
