a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
