I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize