my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
two words: eviction party
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
