True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
