i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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