Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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