I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
