Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
