can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
there's paper in my vomit.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
