Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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