I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
