i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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