I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
