I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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