I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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