I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
