Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(720): View more from Colorado

its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it

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(518): View more from New York

I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.

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(731): View more from Tennessee

He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....

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(+61): View more from Australia

You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.

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(916): View more from California

I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?

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(515): View more from Iowa

Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.

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(718): View more from New York

Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.

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