I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
