what if every blade of grass was a penis?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
