I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
my shit smells like andre
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Randomize
