I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
