The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
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