Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize