I think I just saw someone hide a body.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
