It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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