so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
