I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
