Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
