Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Randomize
