she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
