Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Randomize
